Email Communication during the 1st year

6 WEEK UPDATE:

Dear Friends & Family,


I've been meaning to write and give everyone an update on how we're doing.

First, I usually send emails to people using the Bcc option, as not to indentify everyone's email. (sorry) However if you'd like to share this letter with anyone that I may have missed, please feel free to share.

I would like to thank a few special people that were by our side right away. Linda - for being the family spokesperson and much more. Ann - for taking care of the meals, and the wonderful books. Carla - for helping with the funeral and your generosity. (please thank Sharon C. too!) Liz- for setting up the Memorial Fund, and being our spokesperson at the Karate Studio. Linda H. - for helping with the funeral and service and lending your beautiful voice at the service. I owe dozen's of thank you's for the meals, gifts, wonderful books, help with memory boards & arrangements, prayers, hugs, and so much more!

It's been about 5 weeks and we are taking huge steps to get back to normal. Or at least a "different" kind of normal.
I've appreciated everyone taking time to take care of me and going for coffee, lunch, shopping, or visiting. It's also nice to finally realize that my place is at home also. "Home" is where we have so many wonderful memories, and I need to remember them (while crying) and also make new ones. I'm enjoying reading some great books, I have five that I'm reading as needed. Many of you know I used to clean but I don't do it anymore. A lot of my clients have older children, and the thought of cleaning their rooms would bring up too many memories. Now, I work at the Karate Studio where Steve took lessons for four years. I love working there because I get a chance to see the kids advance in their skill and maturity. I think it helps the kids to see me being strong and moving forward. These young kids lost a friend at such an early age, I see them struggle with it and it breaks my heart. I hope that by me working there we'll all get strength from each other. I also started taking Karate this month, so I'm carrying on Steve's wish that we do it together.

Many of you wonder how I'm feeling, so I'd like to share some thoughts through this journey.

Naturally, the first day we were in shock and disbeleif. The following day I remember my heart was working (obviously) but it felt heavy and empty. Next came anger, and most importantly compassion. I remember through the pain feeling compassion for all the people grieving with us. My heart was breaking and I felt awful for all our family, friends, and all Steve's friends that were hurting because of the accident. Slowly all the other emotions started coming back, I remember laughing for the first time, proud moments, etc. Since the accident, everything is a new first again.

On a daily basis, Tom and I have an underlying sad feeling every second of the day. But, while all the normal daily emotions happen, everything just seems "different". We experience all the joy in life differently.
We love the prayers, and support. We have embraced everyone's love and compassion. We have taken great comfort in listening, reading, and sharing Steve's life. We are so touched that Steve left a legacy of wonderful memories to so many people. We always knew that he helped at least one person a day with his wisdom, kindness, generosity, and smile; and now he's helping hundreds of people from up in Heaven.

So, thanks for all the love & support, but not the pity. We'll never understand "why", which is the hardest to deal with. We had an AMAZING son, brother, friend, etc., in this world, and we should be grateful. Please don't pity or feel sorry.

I have always had a strong spiritual side to me but always struggled with connecting to a Church. My faith was in God, not so much a building or a Church. My spiritual side has really helped me with understanding Steve's death. My thoughts on this are very deep and would be very long to explain. But I'd be happy to share if you want.

Since Steve's accident, we have been touched by wonderful memorials. I want to Thank Rose for the upcoming Pack meeting that will honor Steve. Thanks to Lisa B. for sharing the different memorials that we can take part in, especially at the lakefront with "Memory Lights(?)".

A big thank you to Mr. Weinberg at Black Belt Leadership Academy, the Karate School. He started a scholarship fund in Steve's name to keep up the spirit of giving and helping others that was so much a part of Steve's life. Each year a student who has shown outstanding effort and attitude, but whose family does not have the means to put their child in the Black Belt Team, will be given a scholarship to attend the academy. What a wonderful honor!

And save the date! December 8th at 4:00 p.m. will be the Karate School's BIG event, The Black Belt Test at Wauwatosa West in the gymnasium. That was the day Steve would have earned his Black Belt, that he worked so hard for. The day is dedicated to Steve, and we would love for you to be there.

There is so much more I could share. Our journey is hard but we will persevere. Tom and I, and Alicia and Meghan will get through this. All together we'll make it through and make new memories while remembering all the wonderful memories of Steve and all of you.

Thanks again.

Hugs,
Sharon


6 MONTH UPDATE:
Saturday, February 23,2007



Hi friends and family, (feel free to pass this along to our email friends)

First, I just want to say how grateful I am to call you friends & family. Almost six month's ago I looked around at three to four hundred people and realized how blessed we are. The word "family" has always been a struggle for me. My "family" (kids and husband) have always been the number one priority in my life, and I guess I unselfishly put myself last, with no regrets. Often times I didn't spend enough time with our extended family because our world was too busy. And, like many families we were no exception to our share of relatives' drama. My favorite quote growing up was, "Except the things you can not change".

Our neighborhood community has always been a big part of our life, because we enjoyed being there for events, participating, and volunteering in so many groups and organizations. While looking around at all the faces I had a huge Epiphany, I realized that my family was all here with us. As, I stood next to the casket, questioning my family relationships, I realized my purpose was to experience "family", the good and the bad. I raised my kids, not to prejudge because we all have the same color blood and that's all that matters. Family to me is so much more than just our blood line, it's community, groups, friends, and so much more.

Today, was the first day I actually curled up in a ball with a blanket and just cried my eyes out! (more than once) I didn't know how I would react to the six month mark without Steve? It's just one of those gone forever and empty feelings!

I guess, I'm doing very well considering everything that's happened. Thankfully, I have always been very optimistic and positive and those qualities are guiding me through. I continue to read books on grief, coping, life on the other side, etc. and the books have helped tremendously! I'm losing count, I may be reading my ninth book. I started going to a grief group called, Kyle's Korner and I've met some wonderful people. Tom and I have talked a lot about coping, etc. and we realize we're an exception to getting back to this different normal very quickly.

Going back to work a few weeks after Steve died really helped me also. Most of you read in an early email about my "stroke analogy" of how I had to learn to do things all over again. Although, I often felt like I was also in a walking/breathing coma, I didn't want to stay that way.

Thankfully, having my own part-time business and working part-time at the Karate School, as the Office Manager, gave me that structure I needed. Steve and I were going to take Karate together as soon as we returned from vacation, and I decided to fulfill that promise. We would've been in the same Adult class together even though he was 3 months shy of getting his black belt and he also took additional classes.

The day I earned my white belt, was an emotional day for me and everyone on the Karate floor. We all cried, and hugged, because we knew how much this meant. Since then, I've earned two more belts, and I'll keep going to black!

We've been blessed to have Steve for 13 wonderful years. They were the best years of my life!! He made a huge impact on people's life's, and we're touched to hear those stories and remember the great times.

I know it was his time to go, so I have to feel blessed to have him as long as we did.

But, don't misunderstand I do feel pissed off a lot and working out at the WAC and taking Karate helps get rid of those bad endorphins. There's not a day that goes by that I don't cry, but at the same time I'm grateful and I know I'll see him again.

I've learned so much through this experience. I feel as though my soul has learned a huge lesson. In preparation the lessons started long before Steve's accident and I'll keep trying to figure it out. I know Steve doesn't want us to be sad. I'm going to try my hardest to continue to be positive, be there for my family and be the best person I can be.

Steve's favorite song was, "Live to Win" by Paul Stanley; let that be a "GOD wink" to be our best.

I obviously just spoke of my feelings, but collectively we're all doing just as well; give or take a few bumps in this up hill road we're on.

FYI - In November, Tom and I purchased 150 bracelets for Steve's friends that say, "DOBIE SAYS HI", if you know of anyone that still wants one, let us know and we'll get it to them.

And, it didn't take long for me to work my way back to being involved with the community again. (It's not anything I wish for anyone having to be - a family in the center of the community getting tons of help and prayers, but again - I'm eternally grateful.) Currently, I'm helping my friend, Linda Janis-Nikcevich, with her upcoming campaign for Wauwatosa Alderperson - 1st District. Coming up in May we are all doing High Interest Day(HID) at Jefferson School, this will be our seventh year doing the very popular cake decorating. I was apprehensive this year because while Alicia & Meghan took off from school to help us; Steve also took the day off to help at HID. For the past three years Steve always brought his Karate uniform, and he started helping Mr. Weinberg instead. The students at Jefferson and the teachers loved seeing Steve do his forms and help represent Black Belt Leadership Academy. So, that will be a tough day for many of us because we won't have Steve's infectious smile and bubbly personality.

As you can see, we're getting out there and will be a great feeling to be part of the community again that I call my family!

I'm always available for a cup of coffee to visit for a while. Keep in touch!


HUGS and GRATITUDE,

love
Sharon

ONE YEAR UPDATE:

Dearest friends and family,


A few weeks ago I thought about sending a one year update to let you know how we're doing. I still don't know if I have the words to explain the one year journey, but I'll try. I hope you don't mind the update, but some of you I see regularly and the rest I wish I could see more often.

I'll start with the first day of school this September. Alicia is a Freshman at UWM, Meghan is a Junior at Tosa East, and Steve would have been a Freshman. I remember walking in Steve's room that morning, thinking and crying that I'd give anything in the world to spend 20 stressful minutes trying to get him up for school. For now, this is a routine I go through every morning, just wishing I could wake him up. Last year at this time I was still numb and dazed that the thought of Steve starting 8th grade escaped me, I was still overcome with just having to remember to breathe. This past June, Longfellow Middle School honored Steve with a diploma and they had a moment of silence for him. That was a difficult day because one of the things we miss the most is the memories that Steve won't be able to do, and we can't share with him.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss him and think about him. The daily tears have stopped but some days the flood gates open and it halts what I'm doing. Most often when I'm alone in the car I think of Steve and cry, and wish I had tinted windows, and a car that didn't draw attention to itself and me with it's suspension creeks and squeeks.

For most of you I have sent emails updates and analogies like the stroke feelings, or the ocean wave of grief, and not wanting to crumble like a potato chip. Since those analogies, I thought of a new one, I call it the "emptiness void as big as the universe". The first day after Steve died, I felt completely empty inside, all my emotions were wiped away. The next day and first feeling I had was empathy because I realized we all lost and I felt your pain also. Every once in awhile it feels like someone turned me upside down like emptying the trash and there's nothing left. It's a huge empty void; quiet, dark, nothing, ... as big and haunting as an empty night sky and as vast as the universe. It's a feeling I can't explain, I just miss him and feel empty. And in that empty feeling I know there's blood pumping through my veins and I'm breathing but I don't realize it, I'm only experiencing quiet, emptiness, and missing. A few weeks ago, I remember crying uncontrollably, and my heart ached so bad, and I had to remember to breathe like I was experiencing labor pains. Thankfully, Tom was stronger than me that weekend and he held me tightly to stop me from shaking and just let me have my space.

The one year anniversary was marked by some special friends that came over. We still have that open door policy at our home, and anyone is welcome anytime. I was touched, a friend stopped by in the morning with flowers and great conversation. The mailman delivered some cards, that brought bittersweet joy to us. Later that afternoon, we had more great friends join us for snacks and dinner and we preceded to play bowling on Nintendo's Wii for hours and laughed and had a good time.

I still continue reading books that give me an understanding of grief, emotions, and the faith & spiritual journey. I start each day thanking God for giving us Steve, and asking for His help to be strong and get through the day. I can't tell you how much all the books have truly helped me. I have read almost two dozen books and they have all given me something in return. My faith in God is immeasurable compared to where it was in the past. My understanding of life and my reason for being here has taken on a whole new meaning. While reading the last book, I realized I'm not feeling and doing some things I'd like to do, nor am I being the human I want to truly be. Recently I looked at a journal that had a list of "100 things I want to do in my life time". The last time I visited the journal was with Steve and we were laughing at some of the things he thought were funny that were on my list. Last week, I was surprised to see that I could cross out two things on the list. The book and the list reminded me that I want to do things with passion, feeling, and remember that memory. I'm making my (and Tom's) favorite meal tonight, and this time I want to enjoy every bite because it's not just about having to eat, it's about enjoying the flavors, texture, the melt-in-your-mouth feeling, and variety of foods.

Besides reading, you'll find me at Black Belt Leadership Academy working part-time in the office and taking Karate. Also, it will be three years this November that I thankfully have my own wonderful & gratifying part-time business with Tahitian Noni International. Working this wonderful job keeps me motivated and positive because I work along side great people and together we make a positive difference in people's lives.

The past year at the Karate School has been a wonderful journey because so many of the students and their families are like a family to us. Last summer, Steve wanted me to take Karate classes with him and we decided to do it right after "that vacation". So, I've been taking Karate by myself but with Karate friends and for the most part enjoy it. Sometimes it's very difficult because I can remember Steve doing the forms with such perfection and passion, and I want him to show me the steps and do it with him. At this time, I'd like to continue Karate because it is fun but I don't see myself going past brown stripe belt. Steve was a brown stripe and in candidate class to become a Black Belt before he died, but received a Black Belt with his name on it at the funeral presented by Sensei Weinberg. It would be an honor and huge accomplishment if I can make it through to the level of brown stripe belt just like he did, and then that's it. That's as far as I could go and not a day longer.

I know everyone has their share of problems, and most of us learn from them. I don't think anyone is immune to job, marriage, financial, health, familly, friends, grief, love, stress, and the rest of life's problem's that can occur. I think losing a child is the hardest thing anyone can go through, and then to compound matters with life's other occasional problems, can just reach our limit. I've realized during this journey that I have incredibly thick skin, and how that helps me not get caught up in people's drama or life's dogma. For me, having experienced that "emptiness void" and being emotionally drained of all feelings makes me want to feel and enjoy the good things 100 times stronger. I don't want to allow any room in my life for the negatives and I truly wish that for everyone. Of course, I will always be there for friends when life isn't going well and other's are having problems. I hope I've learned enough to pass on some wisdom, positive messages, and comfort to help those that need some support or a shoulder to cry on.

I still wear my "donate life" bracelet all the time and I'm touched to see other people still wear their bracelets or just keep it in a special place. Last week we received an update letter from Donor Services about how many lives Steve helped. In the past we've learned that his corneas, skin, and other life saving parts were used. The skin can be used as skin graph's for a lot of people and is probably the most used organ of all. The most touching donation stories were the gift of an Aortic heart valve and his Pulmonic heart valve to two individuals.

Every day I miss the many many hugs & kisses, the laughter, the mature conversations, going to the grocery store together and goofing off down the aisles, making his favorite foods, watching him do Karate, seeing and being so impressed with his mentoring and caring ability with others, having his friends come over (especially Tyler), having our neighbor Ross come over really early in the morning to play video games until Steve finally would wake up, enjoying him interact with all his amazing friends, the girls in his life, reading his newest poem, seeing his amazing artwork & computer graphics, watching him have so much fun on the computer, our special TV shows we watched together, his relationship with his sisters, the special father/son bond & fun times and memories with Tom, and so much more. One of the things I miss most of all is all the times each day he said, "I love you Mom", and sometimes tucked me in bed and said "Good night".

But, I am so grateful to have all those wonderful memories - THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

I have to say thank you to so many friends and family that have helped us through this. Some of you really understand what it's like to go through this because of your own personal grief, or books, or various occupations. Thank you to those that have shared Kyle's Corner with me, the many books, allowing me to tell my story many times at an MATC class to help others, and to share this journey with all of you. And thank you again to the wonderful person(s) who played Secret Santa and made our Christmas very special with the Twelve Days of Christmas. That was unforgetable!

So here are just a few things I've learned and had to re-learn that I can share with you, are:

LIVE life to it's fullest! I know Steve would want myself and family to have fun. And all of you!

FEEL with your deepest passion and every fiber of your being ...the best things in life.

BE POSITIVE - don't sweat the small stuff. Being positive is a wonderful contagious thing!

LOVE everyone and everything.

BE GRATEFUL. I'm grateful for Tom, Alicia, & Meghan, Friends, Family, my job, and all the wonderful little things in life.

HAVE FAITH!

and

"REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES!"

When people ask what they can do for us or if we need anything, we say: "Pay it forward - Do something really good for someone to make them smile and have a good day." Steve made so many people smile. We all miss that great smile of his.

That concludes the one year chapter of The Doberstein Family Book. I hope all of you are still involved with the future chapters, and they get better with age and wisdom.

Please feel free to share this with anyone, I may have unintentionally forgot to send it to people or didn't have their emails. If you'd like to email Tom, he can be reached at tomd@wi.rr.com

Blessings,
Sharon Doberstein