Random Thoughts

Random thoughts


I'd like to share a couple thoughts and analogies. Although this page is Under Construction, I will share a little at a time.


My advice to anyone who has losed a loved one: Please don't ask them, " How are You"? Although I was grateful to Tiffany who did ask that question first, it got me to feel my first emotion, and that was empathy. So,for me it was, one step at time after that. I could give someone 100 adjectives to describe how I'm feeling. HAVE YOU EVER HAD 100 ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE HOW YOU'RE FEELING? I felt angy, bitter, numb, in shock, depressed, lonely, anxious, spacey, not a loving ounce to share with anyone, empty, pissed, suicidel, guestioned everything, asked "WHY?" constantly, sick to my stomach, had a rash, etc etc...

If someone loses someone, I would suggest to say, "I'm sure things aren't well now, but please know that I'm thinking about you."

What I' learned to say, when someone asked, "how are you?', was "I'm doing better, thank you!" I thought that doing better was wishful thinking and positive.


I'd like to share my "Stroke Analogy". I'm young, and in my forties, and thankfully haven't suffereed from a stroke but know people that have. After the first day of losing Steve, everything changed as I knew it. I had to learn to do things all over again. I hated to go grocery shopping, I tried to go really late so I wouldn't see anyone I knew. I avoided people in the ailes so that I didn't have to talk to anyone. I was so scatterbraind, I didn't know where things were.

Making dinner was a challenge, everything reminded me of Steve, and I felt like I was cooking in my sleep.

When I drove in my car, I felt like I was on Auto Pilot. I didn't care if I crashed my car, because I wanted to be in Heaven too. Even though, I was doing the same things, it was different. I questioned everything I did to make sure it felt like the right thing to do.


The "Wave of Grief Analogy": Imagine yourself on a beach by the ocean, and all of a sudden a HUGE wave comes and completly takes you with it. As you wonder if you will survive the wave that just engulps you, all of a sudden you're still standing and the wave left. You survived! Another wave comes and you're not ready, but you made it through the last one. It comes from a different direction and it's bigger, and you survive. In other words, you never know when grief will hit you, and it's different every time. The wave is sometimes familiar and other times a whole new one, and yet each time you survive it and it gets a little easier.


After Death Communication ( ADC's) In 1988 I had an experience where I saw my Grandfather (Pappy) in the middle of the night. It was so real and I tried to wake Tom up but I was kind of numb. Pappy came to reassure me that eveything was going to be okay and that I was on the right track in life. After he left and closed the door behind him, I was able to wake Tom up, and share my story. Tom was a little confused but believed me and felt comfort in the visit. Since then, I had another visit from Granny and have been open minded ever since.

Steve has a watch in his room that doesn't keep time, and he stopped wearing it a long time ago. The first 6 months after Steve died, the watch alarm went off all the time on different days and times. When we had a visitor, it would go off occasionaly, but preffered about 2:00a.m. a few times a week. The watch doesn't go off as much anymore but does every few months.

On June 11th 2008, Steve's best friend, Tyler came over with his Mom to memoralize his birthday in private with me. On June 10, 2008 we had about 75 people in and out all day to remember Steve's Birthday. Tyler and Steve played a computer game called Runescape. Apparently, Steve was high up in the game and Tyler and him played the same user together. Tyler forgot the long password and missed the game on Steve's username. We decided to try and figure out the password by looking through an old password book I kept for the kids and a binery code that Steve had in his room. Steve had two alarms on his door to keep out his sisters and they haven't been used in over a yeat. When I went in Steve's room to get the binery code, I told Tyler 'I found it!" At the same time the door alarm went off, and Tyler said, "I got it! All of a sudden Tyler remembered the password before I gave him the code breaker. I laughed when Tyler's Mom asked."What the hell just happened?'' I said, just tell "Steve, thank you!" We believe Steve gave Tyler the password and set his door alarm to acknowledge it. It was amazing!!!


Another simple analagy I've mentiond was the "Potato Chip" If you hold a potato chip, you can crush it in a million pieces. In the beginning, I recall not wanting to crumble like a potato chip. I knew I had to be strong! I kept reminding mydelf not to crumble... just keep taking a breath and keep breathing!

Nirvana & Emptiness:
  I took a class at Church about all different religions.  It was fascinating to learn all the simalarities we share.  When studying Buddhism, I learned of a Mahayana tradition and the concept of Emptiness.
Emptiness seems to be at first to be extremly negative, but th Mayahayana tradition claims that is exactly the opposite.  Mahayana texts insists that "everything is possible for someone for whom Emptiness is possible". 
I had an ah-ha moment when I heard this.  Having the feeling of complete emptiness from grief, I started to appreciate the smallest of things.  I was mesmerized watching rain drops slowly dance and fall from some flowers, and I remember enjoying a favorite dinner with my husband, like it was the best mouth watering dinner I ever had.  So, when I step back to watch, enjoy,  and listen, there is so much more to see and experience.


Our First Christmas and  The 12 Days of Christmas Gift

It was 2 weeks before Christmas 2007 and I wasn't exactly in the Christmas spirit.  I still wanted to do our traditional holiday things, like decorating the whole house, putting up a tree, and buying presents.  Afterall, the girls shouldn't have to suffer, because Christmas felt empty to me.  I still wanted Christmas to be as normal as could be. 
One morning, just 12 days before Christmas, the front doorbell rang, but noone was there.  Meghan went outside and found a wicker basket with a gold ornament hanging from it and a scrolled up note in the basket.  The holiday looking note read,"On the First Day of Christmas...an ornament in a basket.  For the next 12 days you will receive a Present.  Your phone will ring twice to tell you the gift has been delivered and another day of Christmas has passed.  Merry Christmas

I had no idea who delivered the basket, there was no name or hint.  All I knew is that someone was giving us an incredible gift.  Instead of feeling awful about Christmas, someone gave us something to look forward too.  I was so touched and teary eyed just thinking about the random act of kindness to bring some joy to our family.  There aren't enough words to describe how much this meant to us.  The girls looked forward to every day to see what was next.  It still touches me to this day and I still don't know who did this, and it doesn't matter.  This story is worth sharing because everyone can learn from this and maybe do a "Random Act of Kindness"  to someone else.  Just use your imagine.
The following will be the remaing notes, that I'll type in red.  The gift, I will just type in black:
On the second day of Christmas...Two Cheerful Mugs.
...of coffee, cocoa, or egg nog to warm you up.  Did you really want Turtle Doves?
1 Santa Clause and 1 Mrs, Santa Clause coffee mug
On the third day of Christams...Three French Horns
the Hens would have been a little hard todeliver
A wreath with three french horn ornaments on it.
On the fourth day of Christmas... Four Candles Burn
Warm and bright guiding you through the season
4 boxed Lang Collection candles
On the fifth day of Christmas...Five Golden Rings
The bells need to be shaken well!
5 large gold jingle bells
On the Sixth Day of Christmas.. Six cookies in the making
Here are the cookie cutters.  You get to make memories with your family
6 holiday cookie cutters
On the seventh day of Christmas...Seven Cups a Brimming
Some assembly required!  You could use the mugs from day 2!
7 Hot cocoa packets
On the Eighth day of Christmas...Eight made for Dunking
(muffins)
8 Homemade muffins
On the ninth day of Christmas...Nine Chocolate Bells
Three more nights before the real Santa comes
9 chocolate wraped bells
On the tenth day of Christmas... Ten Bows for Wrapping
Toppings for a few last minute gifts.  Just in case you need a little help.
10 bows
On the eleventh day of Christmas...Eleven Canes for Striping
We hope you like the peppermint candy canes.  Please feel free to put them on your tree.
11 candy canes
On the twelfth day of Christmas... Twelve Sticks for Drumming
(Or writing of drawing)
We hope you enjoyed these 12 days.  Have a very Merry Christmas, and a Wonderful New Year.
12 wooden holiday pencils  AND.......
a red velvet box.  Inside the velvet box was a beautiful silver bell with an Angel for the handle.  The bell was inscribed 2007 Merry Christmas

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The Kiss
I'm reluctant to share this story because I really do understand that a lot of people aren't receptive to After Death Communication. 
It was a monday in June, 2010 and I had gone to a close friends house so that she could do Reiki on me.  I had been experiencing back pain that I couldn't isolate and I thought I'd give the Reiki alternative treatment a try.  When I laid down on the table and relaxed, my friend asked for additional spiritual help for my healing.  She said Steve was here and we had lot's of help, and the room was filled.  I was very relaxed with my eyes closed and all of a sudden I felt this overwhelming love for Steve.  I kept saying to myself, "I love you" and I could feel it back. Then I felt a kiss on my cheek from Steve, and my eyes filled with tears.
When the Reiki  was done my friend shared everything that happened, the result of the back pain, and how to recover from it.  Most proufoundly the first thing she said while crying was that she saw Steve lean down and give me the most beautiful compassionate kiss on the cheek.

I not only felt it, but she saw it.  It was an amazing experience!!!
Believe it or not, but I hope you do.

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To be continued...